Leaving A Trail

the wilderness in Fall

A dear soul told me to go outdoors, appreciate nature…  it always do me real good… it tames me!  :-D   :-D       He’s absolutely right — being out in the wilderness tones down the wild me ;-)    “The wilderness in Fall” slide show above is the trek I’ve indulged myself in.  It sure does clear the cobwebs in my brain box.

The scent of pine (real pine scent, not air freshener from the shop!); the pine needles on wet ground that stuck on the sole of my shoes; the golden autumn leaves fallin’ on my head, my shoulders, all the way down to my feet; the scurrying squirrels scavenging for nuts and stuff; the symphony of birds from atop the trees; the late blooms-of-summer-gone-by; the chilly autumn wind on my face; the green trees and the kaleidoscopic leaves of Fall; and basking in the sunshine… hah!  I am soooooo ahh–live!

hmmm… i’m the child of the wild?!

October– the month I celebrate and ponder on my journey to the pages of magazines and a newsmag .  It’s the death of one respected and well-loved editor (the late Ms Linda Layosa) that coincides with my birth on the literary world.  I could have been one of the last souls she encouraged and inspired… before she took her last breath.  It’s a pity I never got the chance to meet her,  a blessing she sent me an inspiring message, a few days prior to her death, which to this day I keep in my “inspirational folder” in my inbox — the folder I keep going back to on my down-moment-dark-winter days which serves as affirmations with its inspiring personal messages from my literary soul-mates.  “You definitely have a knack for writing!” is a well-treasured comment.  So is the flame-thrower comment from my mentor. It’s the kind of message that keeps writers like me to keep going and writing away; a beacon that lights our days of non-writing,  propelling us to scribble on and keep the literary juices flowing.  From one grateful soul to another, one thankful heart to the other… it never missed the core, never fail to deliver, never go wrong… in sending the message of hope, love, warmth, encouragement, inspiration, and joy!  Ms. Layosa’s review of my writings which I first sent out for The Filipino Now came at the perfect moment… I was at my lowest depths, she lifted me right out of those depths with her simple words.  Aaah, the power of words!

On the long list of lovely souls to thank for, my current editor, Mr Tony B, tops the list.  I say again and again how this man held the literary door open for me and still keeps shoving me to doors unexplored.  His faith in me never wavers and his unending critique’s a constant reminder of passing on the torch, driving me to delve deeper into other writers’ work and walk on their shoes, forcing me to dig deeper into my heart to pass on a soulful word…  and what a joy to do so!

I told my mentor-editor a couple of years ago that I’d take up a Writing course while I work in Canada… as soon as I have the means and get the dough ;)  What I have now is more than what I hoped for, am taking writing and editing lessons with no worries for tuition fee!  :D  Who says nothing’s free these days?!  And here I am on this web corner, joining in with the voices in blogosphere, on my own playfield– Leaving A Trail; am learning oodles and having so much fun… all for free!  I got my web host, The Friendster Team, to be grateful for.  True Friends Newsmag publisher, Ms Catherine Kaldy, is one generous soul who welcomed me as a contributor, and later on, an Editorial Assistant in her paper.  Her faith in the editor, Mr B, extended to me… and The Guild.  What a wonderful blessing!

The lovable, amazing Reids are my cyberspace guides.  From creating links, sitemap, stats, copyright, and yahoo signature, to dictionaries online and a number of useful links… Ms Lydia Reid’s been there to provide those for me.  Her notes, along with Mr Roberto Reid’s, comprise the bulk of my ‘inspirational folder’.  :D  No matter how busy they are with their writings, they take the time to drop me a few lines every time I yell for “help!”  How I love and am thankful for these generous, kind literary soul-mates… beyond words!

My joy is doubled when the things I love doing is giving much joy to others. This is a gift — from my heart to yours.  Living, loving, and learning… the subjects I speak strongly about.  It’s my life –to the fullest– you see on the pages of the newsmag and on the web pages.  I don’t hold back.  What keeps me holding on is the joy I find in it — yours and mine.  YOU, my dear ones, are the double-joy I get from the joy of creating…

I’ve traveled across the seas and crossed a number of bridges since “Building Bridges Across The Seas“, my very first published work.  While that article didn’t sit well on an aunt, it had generated a lot of positive, sad comments from those who can relate well with it.  The story a friend told me about her Chinese partner had the greatest impact…  There was the 50-plus year old man with the TF Now magazine in hand, teary-eyed after reading my piece.  He then told my friend of his own childhood — losing his mom due to the parents’ separation and painfully longing still for her presence in his adult life.  My article triggered a painful memory.  It probably helped him get in touch with his core issues.  A teacher cousin sent me a message saying she felt the hurt in my words and cried.  Countless others who said they felt the lump in their throats.  It’s not my intention to create a heavy heart but I was speaking my emotional truth… the hurt, not an anger that someone misunderstood in my writing voice.  Yes, I used to have a very negative voice.  But my writing evolved along with my evolution :)  I’m no longer the caveman I used to be two years ago. :D  :D  :D  I’ve learned to loosen up and play…  Playing with words is a source of joy.  When I write for print I have to keep in mind of a certain responsibility, and not tend to be too sentimental.  But anything goes on my online journal… I can beat myself up in here  :D  :D 

The constant commentators on my web pages, the message senders, and the avid readers who chose to remain silent but keep coming back and simply take in what I lay out on here… YOU are the lifeblood, my joy, joy, joy!  Now, that’s triple!  ;)   I love you so, guys and gals.  From the deepest chamber of my joy–full, thank–full, wonder–full human (yup! am no super-non-human:D) heart…  I love you,  THANK YOU!

I met a lovely earthling today.  I peek through his brain and seen the wealth of knowledge and wisdom residing in there.  It took me all the way to the depths of his heart and had a glimpse of profound beauty and substance, where a steady light glows and such tenderness dwells.  It fills me with awe, respect, admiration and inspiration — things that aren’t alien to me but now just being renewed… as this man’s not someone new to me, having met him in our youth, but only recently that I came to “know”…  I’m seeing him in a different light.

Everyday brings new discovery.  There’s always something new waiting to be unraveled, discovered, and deeply explored… in the old things.  Details we missed which were deemed trivial, insignificant, or simply taken for granted and cast aside, now loom larger than life.  Only when we’re ready for the moment, when all our senses are open, will things make sense and fall into place… when the time is right… and ripe.

In our haste to bloom we don’t want to go through the inconvenience and hassles of going through the proper stages of development.  Human nature: I-want-this-and-I-want-this-NOW syndrome.  A wise man had this to say, “when the days of youth have passed into the mists of time and the age of maturity begins, it’s the time to bloom.”  We’re too immature to pay heed and just plunge straight ahead… because it pleases and gives us a high — temporarily.  A short-range vision.  In our impatience to reach our desired destination we tend to develop a tunnel vision– focusing only on the desired goal, not completely in tune with the current location, blocking out the ‘disturbances’, unmindful of the given moment– the now.  We become impulsive, restless, irresponsible, and reckless… the intensity of emotions go beyond our control.  We race ourselves into steep, sharp-curved and dangerous highways without so much thought.  Why?  For the thrill, fun, excitement, and adventure?  Could be… or to reach the desired destination as fast as your recklessness can take you, as fast as humanly possible.  One missed turn and you end up dead and cold.  So much for impatience.

We meet a new person who instantly sweep us off our feet.  For a while we think he’s awesome and adorable, and inspires us to explore a new world.  In the midst of the exploration you get to uncover the soul within the awesome new creature… awful.  What you first thought to be of much substance turned out to be hollow.  When the newness wears off, the luster fades, you get to see the real value — or the lack there of.  Your eyes could’ve played tricks on you.  You could’ve made an error in judgment.  What appeared to be of profound depth’s actually a sea of shallowness.  You just met a wolf in a sheep’s clothing.

Do you regret the encounter?  Should not.  It’s fate’s way of telling you to slow down, showing you a different highway, introducing you to the not-so-unusual character of the human family.  It’s nature’s way of teaching us lessons…  One lesson would be leading us back to where we should be putting much effort, energy, and commitment on — to who we are inside and who the people who’ve been with us almost all our life, and seeing everything in a new light.  It’s only when we struggle to comprehend and think profoundly that we get to understand things, the nature of things.

Yep!  I met a lovely old love and buddy today…  It’s been an 18 years of friendship and fate keeps throwing us back to each other’s lives.  We’ve gone farther.  We’ve grown stronger…

Do you find this nature’s reflection a perfect creation of beauty?  Are the numbers, length, size and shape of petals just right? Balanced?  Well spaced? Equal distance in-between? Is it the right shade for the right kind of bloom?  The ideal hue that blends in with the green environment?

Are the shades of yellow, purple and black supposed to be at the core? Do they fit entirely well with the whole picture?  Does it emanate a sweet pleasant scent?  Ain’t the fragrance overpowering?  Will it irritate my nostrils, make my head spin and my head sore?  Will it last until I grow old and tired of its presence?

Will I ever find this thing of beauty again?

Shush!!!  Don’t you ever attempt to answer those negative questions.  You over-analyze things and it will keep you from enjoying the moment.  You get yourself busy searching for flaws you’ll miss the play of lights that will cast a perfect glow on the bloom.

You dwell on the imperfections… and you let go of an amazing chance to explore a bigger world of wonderful reflections of nature.  Yup!  Thorns, worms, human and natural disasters included… you never can live –strengthened, learned and wised up– without ‘em.

It’s all part of the business of living.

Sneeze out the allergens…

Ai J,  your greatest flaw is not knowing where to draw the line.  You extricate yourself from a situation only when you realized the woman had already fallen for you.  Too late.  In your intent to be of help you end up being the problem, making her sink deeper into depression.  Instead of having just to deal with the original problem, she’s now got to deal with her feelings for you, too.  You allowed her to become emotionally dependent on you.

How would you feel when after a passionate foreplay you’re bare naked and ready but then your partner suddenly walked out on you.  What better analogy can I give you than this for you to realize the emotions that run through a woman’s head the moment you– a trusted being– turns suddenly cold and indifferent after she’d been emotionally naked before you . . . heart and soul well-exposed, pains spilled out, with you there on the other end– a sounding board, a warm shoulder to cry on.  You tend to send the wrong message when you’re too warm and too caring.  Or is it the other person getting the wrong message?  Whichever,  you should know by now that something is not quite right with the way you’ve been handling vulnerable, depressed, and emotionally weak women.  You got a problem yourself.  Deal with it.

Abu . . .  abest,  ai j . . .

**It’s hard to believe it’s been 4 years since I’ve written this note.  Big, life-changing events had taken place since then.  Sheer coincidence to stumble upon this once again… A reminder?  Could be.  But no longer for ai J…

A family of five living in four different countries… just how far apart and scattered could one family get?  USA, Canada, South Korea, and the Philippines — nations that have been homes, albeit temporary, to my mom, dad, big brothers and me.  Just when we’ll be together in one roof again, we couldn’t tell.  The ache and pains, the hardships and struggles, the desires and longings… the sacrifices.  Spoken and untold, everyone feels it, knows it and acknowledges it… but we couldn’t do anything about it.  Not now though but soon we could… we’ll be one family in one home again.  Hope remains alive.

We rely nowadays on the telephone wires and the internet to connect to our loved ones.  Sometimes it isn’t much help though when you clearly hear the one on the other end of the line — so achingly close to your ears you want to rip the phone up and snatch him right out of it.  Or when you see your loved one onscreen so painfully lively and real you want to break the computer apart and grab her out from there…  Just to hug, to hold, and kiss her.  Longings unfulfilled, love unspoken, care and concern unexpressed have a way of hanging around and gnawing at you.  It hurts so much to want too much to be with your loved one but you possibly could not… Sometimes you shut down, you keep your distance and stay out of touch for the time being because you couldn’t stand the hurt.  You keep silent and hold everyone at arm’s length because you don’t want to get hurt further. In those times of silence you know deep down within that love is still there and forever will be there.  It’s just that you stopped expressing that love.  The time will come when you’re ready to reach out again… keep on. Keep on keeping on.  The love stays alive.

Working abroad — how many families had been affected?  Broken marriages and wrecked homes; broken ties and lost connections; strained relationships and irreconcilable differences. Physical distance widens the gap in emotional distance among those concerned.  There are times when a balikbayan comes home to his family of ’strangers’.  Or the balikbayan himself is seen as a stranger by his own family.  Everyone seems changed in the other’s eyes.  The awkwardness of suddenly being physically close to your mother, husband, father or brother after a decade of separation is not something we can easily deal with.  What happened?  What had gone wrong?  Has the connection been broken from the long years of separation?  Has the love been lost? Was the communication not adequate nor frequent enough to keep the love alive and stay emotionally connected?  One couldn’t help but feel out of touch, left out and disconnected from his own family when communication isn’t doing its part right… it’s not enough.  Get in touch more often.  Reach out some more.

No matter how your worlds change, how far you travel the world, how distant each one seems, when the right moment to re-unite comes… you’ll feel  whole, closer, and loved once again. Real connections do last.

*Published in TF Newsmag (September 2008 issue)

instead of looking for sore, dark spots…

we seek beauty in all things…

and non-things…

in every nook and cranny of a li’l space…

in every dark corner of an alley…
in every bend on the road…

in every bleeding heart…

in every dark cloud…

there’s light…
there’s a ray of hope…

there’s love…
there’s joy…

there’s peace…
there’s so much beauty…
everywhere…

open your lovely lenses…

wake up!

     …                 . . .

                                                         …   

“My life is a tapestry woven from many strands: things I have done, people I have known, and places I have been.  There’s a strand for each
of my dreams and aspirations since childhood.  Some have been dropped in the weaving but most have simply been woven into a new design.
It’s a tapestry woven of light and darkness, and even in the times of greatest darkness there were strands of light which shine more brightly in contrast to the surrounding darkness.

If the past and the present are here, is not the future also?  Is the potential for all that I can be contained in this tapestry?  I want to move forward from this point conscious of the patterns in my life and the design I am creating with it.”